Views from the top of the Hill

After 4 months of training, spilling my sweat on the roads, and my guts on the blog, the weekend went by in a flash. Emotional high, somewhat exhausted and yet replenished...odd how that works.

You couldn't have asked for better weather. Earlier in the week they called for rain so naturally I went out and bought rain gear...a sure sign that it wouldn't. Fern and I rode up talking about the recent months, and I actually got him to agree to pursuing riding next year on a moderate level.

We checked into the Westin to begin this last leg of the adventure.

Cocktails at Quintessence allowed us the opportunity to finally meet the other riders, to exchange hugs, smiles and stories. I also connected with my posse, the "Less than Elite" Riding Group.Luisa, Catherine and I became a formidable block of average riders committed to the max. Catherine is Sarah Cook's aunt and was back for her 2nd year of riding. Sarah was recently diagnosed with a recurrence of her cancer at the young age of 17. Our thoughts are with her and Catherine's persistence at this difficult time was heartwarming. The true devotion of an aunt.

Fern and I attended the dinner and thanks to all of my team we were among the top 5 fundraisers, which placed us at the table with Lance. As I have mentioned before I am more of the Livestrong Lance fan than as a cycling phenom. I truly do appreciate his decision to walk through the public door with his cancer and to undertake this huge global vision for the disease. We are often encouraged to think outside the box but he has collected a huge array of creative thinkers around him that have a vision for cancer that is truly inspiring.

Lets just say my pre-ride sleep was not completely relaxed. The little man in the my brain kept running back and forth screaming.." It's not too late"..."Don't do it"..."What were you thinking".

Relax I told myself, you've got Luisa and Catherine...life is good.

The morning of the ride went quickly with Media interviews ( all in French) and the pre ride tension. More hugs all around, the presentation of the Yellow Jersey - Dr. David Fleiszer who raised $82,000 and we were off.

There was an amazing surge of energy when we took off and when I realized that we were riding at 33kms/hr. Hmmmm...not sure I can keep this up. Do your best...just do your best.

Lets just say, that the region is hilly and Lance rides quickly....okay downright fast. For someone who trained at 27 kms/hr realizing that the peloton was at 40k/hr was initially overwhelming. Finding comfort in my posse we soldiered on at our own rhythm in our own way. It was great to see the people on the sides of the road waving us on and ringing the cowbells to encourage our efforts.

We broke once at 50kms for a group picture and the peloton continued on the return. Arriving in Huberdeau we were welcomed by a large group of people and it was great to see Fern and Marlene on the sidelines cheering me on. The home stretch seems to go quicker since you are counting down towards the end...pedalling faster to get back.

Let's just say I wasn't at the front of the peloton. Luisa and I made our own way back probably 30 minutes behind the leaders, happy, and relieved to have completed the journey.

With a little bit of hindsight here is what I realize:

1. I am not a speed freak..I am just as happy cycling at 27 kms/hr as I was at 34kms/hr..maybe even more.

2. Everyone has a story...we need to listen

3. Cancer needs to be a global concern..Lance has it right.

4. Terry Diab gives great hugs and is a champion in all ways

5. Caroline Rhea is a mensch and funnier than you can imagine.

6. The feeling comes back eventually but it can take up to 48 hours.

7. There are flat parts to Quebec and you can ride there too.

8. Bad/Sad things are going to happen without any effort on our part...It is up to us to create Joyful moments...they don't seem to happen spontaneously..you have to make them happen.

9. Now that I've cycled with the best...time to look onto a new challenge...hmmmm maybe Swimming with Michael Phelps...I think I can beat him.

10. You can never say Thank You enough. I could never have undertaken this insanity without your support. From Andrea shopping the bike, Marlene and Sandy taking me on training rides, my lunches with Simon, Fern telling me I could, the countless emails and words of support from you, my friends and family, each and every step has been as part of a team. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You...

Stay tuned the blog will continue as we prepare for 10*10*10....in the meantime I better go get a Speedo...Michael are you listening?????

Thank You..you made it happen.

The Letter

To my indefatigable foe,

I know that most letters begin with Dear, but you can understand that in this circumstance I truly don't share those feelings. For nearly 6 years you have played much too large a role in my life. Yes the first surgery scared the hell out of me, but after that I was confident that the worst was behind me. You truly sent me reeling when you reared your ugly head only 9 months later. That was truly the turning point, nothing is more chilling than hearing the word metastasism.

Somehow over the years I learned to live and even more joke about my increasingly scarred body.

I learned to endure the looks of despair and pain in the eyes of my parents, family and friends, and together we found comfort in our tears. Thanks to you I joined a community of amazing people soldiering through diverse yet similar experiences, and formed bonds of friendship and camaraderie.

In the last few months I realized that despite my seeming optimism you did manage to shake my resolve. You made me question my future, my ability to dream, to make plans.

Will I celebrate 50? Can we even discuss retirement? Will I dance at Edan's wedding, Lenore's, Sivan's? Do I still have the courage, the guts to undertake another challenge?

Last May with the scars still fresh and the pain too real a rumour surfaced in town that you had won. Yes, through the grapevine, I heard that it was said that I wouldn't ride this year because my health was failing....things weren't going well.

How dare you. No one will say it's over until I say it's over, and so I rode.

Tentatively at first but with increasing strength. I rode alone because I needed the time to think, to cry and breathe the air of life, but I was never really alone. With me were all my family and friends. They powered my soul and my legs, yes those very tired almost 50 year old legs. The hills and the challenge of Tremblant await. On Friday I will ride in a peloton focused not only on the ride or the task at hand, but with your ultimate defeat.

I don't know what the future holds, but neither do you. What I do know is that Lance was right, It's not about the bike. It's about the road we take and our experiences on the ride.

It may be bumpy but this boy is strapped in and ready to go.

On your mark, get set...see you at the finish line.

Sam

The Golden Rule

There's a book that I remember that said that everything we need to know in life we actually learn in kindergarten.

1. Don't Hit

2. Don't Lie

3. If your feeling cranky and irritable, remove yourself from everyone else till the mood passes

4. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU...

Okay maybe that wasn't kindergarten, it may even be religious, but isn't it the truest thing around? The principle of empathy, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In recent weeks I have had to balance the public good and my inner core beliefs, and happily its my core that won out. Some things are non negotiable.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was as if one of my legs had been knocked out from under me. Yes I was standing, but boy was I wobbly. I could have fallen over at any moment. That is the way it has been for close to 6 years, over and over again. Each time when things got tough my family, Fern and my friends were by my side. During the interminable interval between scans and results, when I am far from being my best, Fern and my friends have been at my side.

When I needed to fly to Sloan Kettering for consultation, Fern and my cousins Rose & Arthur were by my side. Without hesitation, without question, you have been at my side the whole way. You have always been the other leg to stand on.

Now as I enter the final week before the ride, I realize that somehow the focus has become about me and my achievement, and frankly I am not comfortable with this. Standing again on 1 leg alone, and way to wobbly. So let me reiterate in the clearest terms possible. My participation in this ride is thanks to you. You my supporters my donors, my friends, my family and particularly Fern are the sole reason I have found the courage to undertake this mission.

Together we have achieved the financial goal and from you I have found the inner drive to train and ride in some difficult moments.

I look forward to next week and having Fern at my side, where he has been for 17 years, 6 of them in this hellish cancer battle. Riding with Lance, but partying with Fern- the way I would have it done unto me.

THANK YOU EVERYONE...WE HAVE ACHIEVED OUR FINANCIAL GOAL, NEXT WEEK I PEDAL FOR ALL OF US - STURDY WITH BOTH LEGS.

The Survival Gene

I now know where I come from.

I wonder if it's because I never asked, never listened, or because my parents never talked about it. I really knew so little about my parents early lives. Although I knew that they were spared most of the atrocities of WWII, the reality of their lives had somehow escaped me.

Our trip to Israel allowed me the chance to watch, to listen and to learn...and now I understand.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my father's reaction was far from predictable. Yes he was sad, yes he was frightened, but more than anything else he was angry. I know he was angry at the cancer, but he would yell at me on the phone. It actually got so bad that I had resolved not to speak to him anymore as I found it too painful. My father wanted me to fight, to survive, to commit every living moment towards this battle. He was terrified that I would be complacent, that I would allow someone else to control my destiny. My words fell upon deaf ears, nothing I could say would change his feelings. Now I know why.

They never had the luxury of complacency. They never had the luxury of trusting their lives to someone else. As I listened to my parents surrounded by their friends in Haifa, it dawned on me that apart the obvious we had something else in common, a story of survival.

They made and remade their lives 4 times; as children, young adults, newlyweds and finally with us as a young family. Each time the challenge was confronted with the certitude that they would succeed if they committed all their energy to the task at hand.

"Commit all your energy to the task a hand." That is what my father kept telling me on the phone. " Do whatever you can, do everything you can".

Over the last 5 1/2 years many people have commented on my attitude and the way I have confronted the cancer. I really didn't know any other way. Some people have asked me about the logic of undertaking this ride. I really don't know any other way.

I guess that it's true when they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Thanks Abba, Thanks Ima for giving me the survival gene.

2 Weeks left and I promise to commit all my energy to the task at hand.

10 * 10 *10 - A NEW PROJECT

A wise man said " If not me ...then who, If not now....then when?"

We control not only our destiny but the future of others. Today as 2000 walkers take to the streets of Montreal it seems appropriate to tell you about a project that I have been working on for a few months.

10 * 10 * 10 - The Cedars Cancer Challenge.

I am looking for a team of 30 brave individuals that are looking to challenge themselves both physically and emotionally. Join me on October 10, 2010 as we begin a week long adventure with a 2 day ascent of Mount Kenya. Yes, that's right, Mount Kenya...in Kenya.

This will be followed by a Mountain Bike Descent and then a walk/ride through the Kenyan landscape guided and encouraged by the cheers and songs of the Masai Warriors.

My trip to Africa in 2008 left me a changed person, this challenge will be a life changing moment in your life. We will challenge our physical selves, we will find the harmony in nature and learn about the peace and tranquility of the Masai people.

This is not an adventure without cost. It will require $$$, but more importantly it will require your commitment, your energy and your sweat to reach our financial goal of raising 500,000 as a team. It also involves a commitment to getting yourself fit and ready to challenge your body and your soul.

I have a plan, I have ideas, and now it is time to find the team. To find the 30 people who will work together for 1 year to attain our financial goal and the physical goal of reaching the summit of Mount Kenya and crossing the finish line with our Masai friends.

If not me then who??? I not now then when??? - Time is fleeting. for years I have believed in he simplicity of the Field of Dreams.." Build it and they will come". Together we built Ca Marche, we built Au Coeur de la Mode, we built Heroes Night.....now we build

" The Cedars Cancer Challenge". We will need a big team to realize this dream.

I look forward to giving you more details as the time comes...but let me know if you are interested .....LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN.

The ride with Lance is in 3 weeks. As you can see I have already begun to look to the future.

Setting new challenges, new objectives. Thank you to all who have contributed to the Tour de Lance. I am still in training and will be pushing hard to make you proud...Thank You.

Unfinished Business

We are closing into the home stretch. Three weeks until the big day. Three weeks until we ride with Lance Armstrong, but more importantly three weeks until we raise the money we need for Cedars and the cause.

It nags on me to have unfinished business. My father always had this long list of things that he needed to do, things that were unfinished and I have always wondered how me managed not to be panicked by its neverending length. I like things to get done and then move on...new projects new ideas.

As you may remember a flat tire left me with my own unfinished business. So my first ride after the holidays needed to settle the score. I left the house headed out west along the Lachine Canal, out to St. Charles, up to Gouin and then along the beautiful area of Ste Genevieve, Senneville, Ste Anne De Bellevue, and then home along the river. 72kms with a break at km 48. It is a wonderful ride and then came home, got dressed and went to work. I was thrilled to have accomplished the ride, but truthfully I was happy to deal with the unfinished business.

Unfortunately, having cancer is a constant state of unfinished business.

I have always promised to tell the truth in my blog and we all know that sometimes the truth is painful. It is exactly 1 year since 4 letters changed my life. 1 year since I was diagnosed with the last cancerous tissue. While discussing the planned surgery the doctor was happy that the 1mm cancer growth was on the exterior edge of the remaining kidney and said " It's in a great place and we have to remove very little of the kidney which gives us room WHEN it comes back". He didn't say IF he said WHEN. It was not his fault, he was probably being completely honest and truthful, but those 4 letters W H E N have been very heavy on my heart for 1 year.

Emotionally it set me way back. It felt like the door to hope had been slammed in my face. I could no longer live under the lighter cloud of IF, I was now covered in the greyness of WHEN.

This last year has been about dealing with this unfinished business. This ride is about adding 4 more letters to that word and changing WHEN to WHENEVER.

Feeling the strength both emotionally and physically to weather another storm...whenever.

It has not been easy, but thankfully my involvement with Cedars has allowed me to look beyond today, tomorrow or even the next 3 weeks. Looking forward to the creation of a modern comprehensive cancer clinic for men, women and children...ready to help and support them ...WHENEVER.

We still have much to do, more money to raise. I really need your support.

Please make the donation at www.tourdelance.ca click on riders and then make your donation.

Now is the time to tell your friends, your company, your family about the ride...I need all the help I can get. Thank You.

Hindsight

Well it's been 2 months since my adventure started. Two months since I spent way more money than I hand intended and asked you to join me on this latest challenge.

Some things have changed and some things I fear will never change.

1. I actually don't mind the spandex. I still don't get the overly colourful look at me stuff, that usually promote European companies that I don't know. I wonder if it's to give the impression that you actually are part of the Astana Team, but folks if you look at any of those people it is instantly obvious that the closest most of these people have ever been to being part of the Motorola Team is because they talk on one.

2. You get used to falling. Yes you do. You still feel stupid but the fear of falling has quickly dissipated. How many times you ask....4 and really no lasting scars.

3. You need to learn to fix your bike. They don't have roadside assistance (I see a business opportunity). The old days of fixing the tube are way over. Disposible. You travel with a spare tube and a canister of air to give you a quick fill. Okay, the back tire is trickier, and truthfully I haven't really done it, but I have all the stuff just in case!

4. Early morning is not the same for everyone. (That means you Joy)- I like cycling at 6:30 in the morning. It is cool, fewer people and it is quiet. I don't know but to me 11 am is not early.

5. Bugs are protein too. In June the Shad Fly problem along the canal is ridiculous. You need to filter through your teeth in order to continue breathing without inhaling a mouthload of bugs. Protein, they say you need it to restore your muscles.

6.Cyclists talk about cycling. You learn great tricks and you learn great routes that you would never know otherwise. People like to share, it feels like a club or sometimes....a cult.

7. Clip unclip, Clip unclip, Clip unclip...city cycling....I hate it.

8.Hills - It takes practice just like everything else. I firmly believe that I will never like it, okay the truth being told, I hate it, but I keep doing it because I hated piano lessons too and now I regret that I threw in the towel. Incidentally I find it helps alot if you allow your inner voice to swear the whole time.

9.The Big Question: NO CALLOUS. I don't know what it takes, but damn I am sure numbness is not normal. I realize I need to take a break every 40kms to let everyone rearrange and breathe. Assos of Switzerland is good but it actually deadens the nerves and then ....oh forget it don't ask you really don't want to know. But I did figure out the nod. I have noticed on my early morning rides that as you pass other cyclists they give you a small, curt, nod. Oddly I seemed to notice that it was coming from men. At first I thought it was to say good morning and then I realized- what they are really saying is "I understand...You can't feel them either".

Now when I pass a man...I nod back and smile.

10. I have an amazing team around me. YOU. It has been a joy. The riding, The blog. The entire process. It has been cathartic for me in my own recovery, and from the messages I have received, some of you have managed to laugh and cry along with me. Thank You.

And so I am on break for 1 week. Off to Tel Aviv and although I appreciated the suggestion Peter, no I have no intention of taking the Spandex nor cycling in 42degree weather. By the way if you have ever seen Israeli drivers you know that you wouldn't even have the chance to unclip before they run you down.

The picture above was from a Naked Cycling Even in Tel Aviv last month. Who knew?

So when I get back it will be the home stretch. ONE MONTH to the big event. It will be flat out training and fundraising. We still need to reach the 25,000 target so it will take a lot of work. If you know anyone who would like to donate in the interim please ask them to join me at www.tourdelance.ca by selecting the riders and choosing my name. It would be greatly appreciated.

The Legacy

Today Lance Armstrong placed 3rd in his return to the Tour de France. The media reports that his 3rd place finish does not come without disappointment and recriminations. I can't help but wonder what will actually be his legacy.

In 100 years will Lance Armstrong be remembered for the 7 Tour De France wins or for Livestrong? Will the record have been shattered by another great champion? Perhaps, but in my mind his achievement with Livestrong will not only never be equaled, it will be the enduring legacy.

Livestrong has given cancer patients a voice. The yellow wristband is recognized worldwide.

Today in the final leg of the Tour, numerous riders from other teams were wearing their Livestrong bracelet. I was moved and again felt the silent solidarity one feels with other cancer patients and their family.

This week we celebrated life together with a lunch at Bice featuring Caroline Rhea. We laughed and we recognized the formidable battle that Terry has undertaken. Oddly enough, although we know many people in common, it was cancer that brought us together.

We began with small courteous emails a few months ago, extending a cyber hug and smile. We became Facebook friends and supporters for the Tour de Lance. Each time our circle of friends continued to crisscross, we would smile, amused at the smallness of our world.

Through a bizarre twist of fate our pas de deux became a trio. Our worlds collided around Bev and now we were three. Three different cancers, 3 different people, same end result. All 3 of us had surgery at the same time, and only this spring did it even connect that we all knew each other. How weird is that you are saying???? Plenty weird.

Fast Forward to this week where I met Terry for the first time, and Bev saw Terry for the first time in many years. Knowing hugs, knowing glances, knowing smiles.

So Lance if you ever read this post, rest assured that in the long run today's 3rd place finish may have been a disappointment but for us it really makes no difference.

You gave us a voice, you gave us hope. You encouraged us to not only live, but to LIVESTRONG. The three of us are a testament to the work of your foundation.

Have no doubt this will be your legacy, and for that you will always be in First Place.

I must be crazy.

When I was growing up no one went to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. I remember my parents saying "You've gotta be crazy to see one of those". Not to mention, the images that we saw on television were usually frightening (lobotomies, shock therapy), and the psychiatrists were loonier than their patients. It was only in the late 1970's that pop psychology surfaced and although most of us took it in University, the stigma of actually going and consulting someone remained.

I always enjoyed the magic trick of pulling out a tablecloth and leaving everything perfectly in place. Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer it was as if the tablecloth was pulled and everything came crashing to the ground...no magic, just reality.

I knew I needed help.

My first attempt was through group therapy at a wonderful place, Gilda's. As the only male at the initial meeting I sat around a circle with about 10 women as we introduced ourselves and spoke of our cancer. It became apparent that this was not going to work for me. Firstly , I realized that most of these women had breast or uterine cancer and had much in common. I was clearly odd man out, "Kidney, how rare!" Frankly I took no solace from being in a room full of sad, crying, people. I couldn't wait for everyone to stop talking. It occurred to me that men and women don't necessarily succeed in similar therapies. Men probably won't sit around in a group and discuss how their Prostate Surgery has created sexual dysfunction. Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it.

So my next step was a referral to a very nice social worker, who unfortunately knew nothing about cancer. The conversation quickly went downhill when her first question was " So you must be worried about Chemo?", "No I answered my cancer has no treatment, I pray that surgery will work as they have not developed a chemo or radiation that works on my type of cancer." She was shaken and taken aback and redirected with "How do you feel about dying".... needless to say we never saw each other again.

Thankfully I met a trained Oncological Psychiatrist to whom I did not need to explain my cancer issues, and who had seen other cancer patients and knew that my prognosis was probably not imminent death. Over the next few months, I laughed, I cried (a lot), and somehow made relative peace with my situation. Thank you Dr. Hoffman.

Throughout my 4 hospitalizations I have come to realize that we do a great job healing the body, but not such a great job healing the soul.

It's the soul that wakes you at 3am trembling in your bed.

It's your soul that is frightened like a 5 year old each time you put on a hospital gown.

It's your soul that sometimes wants to give up because you're just not sure how many more times you can put your family and friends through this hellish ride.

Last week I had my latest CT Scan and in the cubicle waiting next to me were a couple clutching hands as he waited his turn. As I was called I looked in and told them "The Scan is really not bad, you'll be okay, just believe you'll be okay", they both thanked me and off we went.

For the last 3 years I have been an advocate for a comprehensive program in Psycho Oncology. I believe we need a program that can address the needs of Children, Women and Men with huge variety of techniques and treatment types, that combine psychology, psychiatry and volunteerism.

On September 11, I ride with this mission in my mind, and as another step in the healing of a wounded soul.

I still need to raise $10,000 so if you know anyone who may be interested in contributing to the ride please ask them to join me at www.tourdelance.ca go to riders and click on my name.

Every donation matters. Thank you.

Biking is like Life

I have a hard time breathing. I could blame it on my reduced lung capacity but the truth is I'm a mouth breather. I never got the concept of breathing through your nose, it just doesn't seem to do the trick for me. In fact when I first start riding I tend to hyperventilate, and there is no way my cute little shnoz is gonna bring in enough air to satisfy me. Once I relax, it seems to work itself out unless of course it is a day like today with a face full of wind which only enhances the breathing issue. So I consciously have to force myself to relax, and in so doing, I came to realize that biking is a great life metaphor.

You wake up being hopeful, you slip into clothing ( probably too tight, but its the fashion), you slather on some cream and then you head out into the world hoping for the best.

You start at a good speed moving forward, nodding at people that pass as if to say good morning. Quickly you realize that today may not be exactly what you expect. Unexpected turbulence (wind) knocks you around and you may even feel like you are stuck in the same place. Other people keep moving passing you by, but you just don't seem to have the rhythm it takes to get yourself going. You regroup, you relax and before you know it you are in a groove.

You're moving, oh yeah, you are really moving. And then it happens, you hit a pothole and you are stopped dead in your tracks. A frigging flat, just after you were so sure that you were finally in the zone.

Yes today after about 26kms I ended up on the curb waiting for my lift home. It made me realize that I was somewhat envious of Lance Armstrong. I don't mean winning the Tour 7 times, or having raised 250 million dollars for charity, or making it all look so effortless at 37.

I mean wouldn't it be great to always have a support team around you. Clearing the road of all obstacles so you can just focus on the job at hand. Wouldn't it be great to have them immediately at hand to fix the flat and get you back on your feet in a millisecond. Wouldn't it be great to have them cheering you on, telling you that you can do it, that you can reach the summit.

And then I realized I have nothing to be envious of .... I have you.

My friends and family, my own 24/7 support team. My own personal cheering squad.

Hmmmm. I guess Lance and I have a lot more in common than Cancer. We have lots of people we can count on....we're the luckiest people in the world.

In case I have not said it lately...THANK YOU.

Real Proof

The human body is a remarkable thing. Okay, maybe not my body, but I speak in general. It's recuperative nature in particular has truly amazed me.

Numerous people were kind enough to let me know of someone who they new who was living with 1 kidney when it was clear that it was my prognosis. Somehow like a car I'm not sure we have a lot of unnecessary spare parts, but I was comfortable with the fact that I cold exist on one kidney. That was also true when they reassured me that we really don't need both lungs to function and although useful, we have numerous lobes and losing one in the mix would not leave me the worse for wear.

In fact, after all my surgeries, I actually recovered remarkably quickly if you ask me. In most cases I was back to work in weeks and in one case I actually worked from home within days.

After my first surgery I was very weak, but so committed to recuperating that I was actually back in gym within a month.

I had forgotten about the recuperative side of exercise, and although not scientific I can personally confirm it is true. How do I know you ask?????

My last operation left me with a large outward bulge on my left side. My abdominal muscle had pushed out ( somewhat like a hernia) and there was an accumulation of fluid. Although numb from having the nerve endings sliced, for months I felt very uncomfortable pulling. Imagine Sigourney Weaver in Alien, I looked ripe for an extraterrestrial to come bursting out my left side.

I consulted both an Osteopath and Phsyio and with minor results. I took to wearing a supporting brace (girdle). My doctor really didn't think it would ever get better, and in fact it was due to this discomfort that I had pretty much ruled out the ride this year.

My pride wouldn't let me skip the ride, so as you know for the last 2 months I have been training. After each ride when I undress my left side has been hyper sensitive. For about a half hour it feels like I have a really bad sunburn. Frankly I am so anxious to get in the shower at the end of the ride that I have not really focused on my bulge, in fact, it had become part of my reality. This week after my ride I was stunned to realize that with the cycling my abdominal muscles have begun to regenerate and the burning feeling was actually the nerve endings firing.

The bulge has all but disappeared. I kept staring in the mirror truly amazed by the radical change.

It's true, although it behooves me to admit it, getting off your ass and doing something helps in your recovery. Not only the physical but also the emotional recovery. So if you know someone recovering from surgery or chemo, give them a call, and go for a walk together. I promise the results will be encouraging...after all I have the proof.

Guilty Pleasures

When you start a blog it seems that above all honesty is truly the best policy. So here it goes;

I have some serious guilty pleasures. Okay, nothing that will get me arrested, but I may as well tell the truth.

1. I have never seen a plate of baked goods that doesn't cry out to me. I used to buy 14 bagels so that I could eat 1 on the way home and never get busted. I can't resist sitting in the car knowing that the warm body next to mine is a dozen hot bagels.

This may explain why in my month of training I have not lost 1 single pound. In fact I have gained.

I actually look thinner but I have gained weight. I know for most people this would be traumatic, but as a cancer patient gaining weight is actually reassuring. Prior to my first cancer one of the only significant symptoms was a gradual weight loss. Since I am being truthful, I should also tell you that I never looked better. The weight loss made me look svelte, not sickly. I actually looked so good that, promise not to groan, I went out and had my passport pictures and drivers license pictures taken. Hell I figured that I would never look this thin or this good again. Little did I know it was due to cancer. Go figure.

2. I love coasting. Serious cyclists actually pedal when they are going downhill. You are supposed to get into a slower gear so that you can pedal and gain momentum. Forget it. My favorite part of hills is coasting downhill. Wind blowing in your face, it is truly my Dicaprio moment where I want to scream "I'm the king of the World" as I fly downhill at 40+ kms an hour. I figure that we go through most of our lives feeling like we are always pedaling uphill, granted its a gradual hill, but uphill non the less. So if its okay with you when life actually give you an opportunity to coast; then coast baby coast.

3. I will never be an underwear model. I have always joked that my day job better work out because after all these surgeries the scars on my body have pretty much ruled out my backup career. After my first operation, I mentioned to Harvey that I had always heard that scars give you an allure of mystery, they add character. " Yeah Sam small scars on your face" he replied " Not ones that make you look like you got caught in the propeller of a boat". We had a good laugh. Boy did we laugh.

So what have I learned? Eat what you want, life is too short, and the next time you are eating a warm bagel...think of me. Coast when you can, you have my permission, hell if you're like me your entitled to the occasional break. Laugh. Laugh and then Laugh some more. Even in the darkest moment there is probably something worthing laughing at.

By the way if you want a good laugh, a chance to eat and to coast for an afternoon, then let me know because on July 23rd, we are hosting a Cedars Riders Fundraising Comedy Lunch at Bice hosted by Caroline Rhea and Michael Kors. Tickets are $150.00 and you will receive a $100.00 tax receipt. I can send you details if you are interested.

Incidentally this week I rode 77.2 kms, 3 hours 13 minutes, and we surpassed the 50% mark in fundraising. Thank you to all who have donated, it is greatly appreciated.

It's Bette Midler's fault

I have been a huge Bette Midler fan for years. If secrets be known, I used to listen to the Divine Miss M every Sunday morning for years. She is bawdy, outrageous and a damn good singer. That doesn't preclude the fact that for a fleeting moment I actually blamed her for my cancer.

I know you're thinking lets back this up just a wee bit. Okay, here goes.

Bette and I have been missing each other over the years on her concert tours. It always seemed that whenever she was in town, I wasn't. So in January 2004 I finally made the pilgrimage to see her in NYC at Madison Square Gardens. Enough waiting, if the mountain won't come, then I was going to the mountain.

So that January weekend as the group of 6 walked the streets of NYC I confessed to a friend that I thought something was wrong. For about 2 months the strangest thing was happening. Each night my toes and legs would go into complete spasm. My grandfather had a neuropathy with his legs and I was pretty sure that regardless of my young age, I had something in common with this 90 year old man. That night after an amazing concert I made the statement that would haunt me; "Now that I've seen Bette Midler, I can die a happy man".

Within the week I had been diagnosed with kidney cancer. For a moment, albeit a fleeting insane moment, I actually blamed myself for making that statement.

Over the years I have come to understand a lot about self blame.

My tumor was ridiculously large, clearly Bette had nothing to do with it. It had been growing for approx 3 years to reach that size. I kept wondering if I had somehow missed a symptom.

Wondering if I had done something to bring on this mutant multiplying cell. In one humorous exchange with my doctor I needed to clarify how I had missed it, so I asked him if there was some symptom I had ignored.

" Did you have blood in your urine?" he asked. " No" I replied, I know that's not good.

" Well did you have lower back pain?" he asked. " Well I answered, I'm 44 years old, do you mean Oy Vey I have back pain, or OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE back pain." When he qualified it as the second I realized that there was nothing I had done or could have done to avoid getting cancer. I had to make peace with the fact that neither I, nor Bette, were to blame for my current state of health.

I've spoken to a few cancer patients and it is always amazing how many people ask you if you smoked. I realize that in doing so they are trying to give themselves hope, that somehow they are safe, that somehow this can't happen to them. The reality is that it could and it might, so whatever you do lets leave the blame game out of it, cancer patients are going through enough.

Whatever happened to empathy?

Last week at my surprise party someone gave me the latest Bette Midler CD and today I actually had the courage to open it. As tears welled in my eyes I once again sang Friends with all the gusto I could muster. Thanks Bette, 5 years later all is forgiven.

New Milestones

Today's revelation is that...get ready...."I'm not telepathic". Not only that, but you'll never believe this "Fern is not telepathic either". Maybe you're not surprised but like many couples I think our biggest frustration is that the other person just doesn't know what we're thinking. Well, after 17 years is that too much to ask for? Is it?

I haven't been able to find enough time to train for the ride and I can feel September 11th quickly approaching. The weekends seem far apart and even then my ride on Sunday in the heat was less than satisfying. This has been causing a little bit of anxiety and I could only find one solution. So I took the big leap and told Fern that I needed to find time during the week to ride. Ruling out after work, that meant a revision of our morning schedules. We will have to share the morning dog walking obligations. I have decided that in June I will add a 6:15 morning ride. Wednesday was Fern's first day at the helm.

I awoke, let Roxie out in the back and then dressed for my ride. She look at me as if questioning "Are your really going to wear that to the dog park?" You could see the embarrassment in her eyes. "Don't worry" I said " Today...you're all Fern's".

With that I hobbled out of the house (you don't walk in cycling shoes..you hobble), unaware that on June 17th, new milestones were to be reached.

I mounted my bike and rode, and rode and folks... I did it 70 kms and all that before breakfast!

From Montreal West through Lachine to John Abbott College in St Anne de Bellevue and back.

Not only were the kms important, but I broke a mental milestone..at the end of the ride I rode all the way home, up the "maudite" hill that joins Ville St. Pierre and Montreal West, with barely a hesitation.

However the most important milestone was to come at the end of the day. My dear sister, Sabina, called to let me know that after 8 years her oncologist had let her know that they felt that she no longer needed to be followed medically for her original breast cancer. After 8 years our family's first cancer experience was to be buried. Buried but never forgotten.

I think I was more nervous than her. She was ready to make the move and recommence living.

And so we celebrate on this beautiful sunny June day as 3 milestones are broken...heaps of rubble in the road, markers of the past, that we pass with an acknowledging nod, as we push on forward...hopefully always moving forward.

Let me know if you want to join me for a morning ride, after all, breakfast awaits.

Stronger Together

Ron and Arthur died.

Carmen and Mel died.

They all died way too young, and with so much more to offer. Eirini was very close to Ron and Arthur and I remember talking about their passing and she worried if they ever found peace. She was hopeful that they had. I remember thinking about the concept of finding peace in a terminal illness, especially when you are so young. Can it really be possible?

I remember not talking to Carmen about her imminent death, she forbade it.

I begged Carmen to write for her daughter and I bought her a journal. We never spoke about whether or not she wrote, I never knew. Last year i saw her daughter and she asked me to tell her a little about her mother. It broke my heart. " Just tell me a little Sam she said, because I try but I don't remember". It's then that she told me all she has to hold onto is the journal that Carmen wrote in, the journal that she new I had given her mother. I realized that in her own way she had found peace. She had allowed herself to write, to leave her story for her daughter.

I wonder a lot about the process of finding peace. When I was diagnosed I never went through the "Why Me" phase. I know some people do, but I didn't. I often said that it would be too egotistical to always pass in front of the hospital and to somehow never expect that it could be you. Why someone else and not me?

I realize that having lived through the worst of the AIDS disaster somehow prepared me for loss, but having lived through that period also taught me about finding strength in numbers. We stood together.

In the last few years we have been dissecting cancer into infinite subsegments. We have divided the disease into so many small pieces, somehow obliging people to decide if they support: Breast, Colon, Lung, Prostate, Ovarian......

I wonder if we wouldn't be stronger if we all fought together. If we walked and rode and hiked together, and not apart.

Maybe if we all joined together we could really find peace together. Maybe.

On September 11th I ride for all Cancers...thank you for your support.

When Worlds Collide

On June 10th my worlds collided and the halo effect will be felt for the rest of my life.  

Working their magic, Karen, Andrea W., and Sandy brought some wonderful friends together to support my ride and to surprise the hell out of me.  My Facebook had been compromised!

Expecting a lovely private tete a tete evening with Sandy, I was lured into a web of love.

I really thought we were going out for a private dinner to catch up and make some plans.  "Just the two of us" Sandy kept repeating....okay message was clear.

We left our Cedars meeting with co-conspirator Leonard in attendance and headed off to play.  Sandy and I had spoken during the day, and my attire became a subject for discussion which I put off as this new Hot Rebel with a Cause person she has become, and  who I adore.  I knew we were headed for a funky, artsy evening....just how ARTSY I never guessed.

After drinks we head out and Sandy tells me that we need to get to Notre Dame.  Hmmm, Notre Dame, that means either Joe Beef or Liverpool House, and frankly I am dressed for either so no problem.   I direct her to the street and as we are driving along it is I, not Sandy who says..."Hey what time are our restaurant reservations?"  "8:00 why she answered",

I jumped in with all the well intentions in the world " Well you know my friend Karen's art gallery is right nearby, do you mind if we stop in?'  No Sandy replies, we have a few minutes".

I call Karen thinking perhaps she is in the gallery as sometimes she works late or is having a vernissage for the public. OUR LUCKY DAY. Karen is still in the gallery and tells me to hurry as she is planning to leave soon as she has her own plans.  Well we were right on the corner, we parked and after all we only had 15 minutes before our own dinner reservations so everything was working out perfectly....or so I thought.

Karen met us downstairs, beautifully dressed ( she had her own dinner plans), and escorted us up to the gallery.  We talked of the architecture, the space and her beautiful art posters.

Karen's gallery is a beautiful showcase of  Poster Art, magnificent pieces from Europe and North America that are both antiques and yet contemporary.  She showcases these works of art in 3 separate rooms that act as individual galleries.  www.laffichiste.com

As we pass the first gallery I noticed a large amount of uneaten food and I was flooded with disappointment as I surmised that Karen had arranged a vernissage and no one had attended.

Before I had a chance, people jumped out of everywhere screaming SURPRISE.  My mind went into shock.  All I could think of was that this was a SURPRISE PARTY for Sandy, after all I noticed Leonard, Andrea, Anna, Suzanne, Ingrid...but how come I was so surprised?????  If it was for Sandy how come I didn't know about it??  How did we get here since after all it was my suggestion to stop at Karen's gallery, and it all seemed so random and spontaneous...WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON!   Only when I saw my morning dog friends " The Hingston Gang", did I start to figure out that this was for me.   I must have repeated 'I am so confused' at least 1000 times, and I truly was.  I kept going over in my mind how I had gotten here and how Sandy manipulated me into suggesting to stop, but it was truly spontaneous and random....It was just meant to be!

So here on June 10th my worlds collided and in this moment of love I reached an epiphany.   Those times that I am at peace when I am riding alone and feel free, I'm not really alone.  The power pushing my legs and my body, is the power of 100's.

I realized that this ride is really not about me riding with Lance Armstrong.  For me and for my friends, it is about Lance Armstrong riding with Sam Pelc.  I leave it up to you to decide who is the lucky one, but for me the answer became quite clear on June 10th, 2009.

Thank you to all the co-conspirators, there will never be enough words for me to express my gratitude.  Thank you to the kids and staff at Share the Warmth for the wonderful banner and photo of encouragement, I will be sure to have it at the starting line on September 11th.

A most personal Thank You to Karen for your generosity and hospitality, Thank You Giulian for being my BF and for being he ultimate host,  Thank You PFP Andrea for your friendship and kindness, Thank you Simon for being the person that everyone loves, and Thank You Sandy for working your magic and getting us to a place without me having the slightest idea of where or why we were going there,  and always encouraging me to reach higher. Thank You.

The Eternal Optimist

Growing up my father had a record of Dr. Murray Banks who was pop psychologist at the time, and who told a story of 2 brothers, the pessimist and the optimist.  Their father was concerned about this diversity so he takes some serious measures, and for the optimist he is told to give him a room full of manure to cure his joyfulness.  The boy walks into the rooms and in a shriek of glee screams " oh my  goodness a room full of manure...you can't fool me, where there is this much manure, there has to be a pony".  

I saw myself in that boy, I was the optimist.

I thought of that during the Tour de L'isle as we reached KM 50 and in front of us was the hill at Berri.  People shouted from the sidelines in encouragement, I gritted by teeth, and pedaled as fast as I could.  I was going to make it up that hill, my personal pile of manure!  

This was a great cycling weekend.  My goals were attained.  Saturday I wanted to do 40kms and again in a weird turn of fate, just prior to leaving the house I had a little online chat with Tracy that was both inspiring and encouraging.  I jokingly told her that I was going to ride from my area to Beaconsfield and back.  Truthfully, I had no idea how far that was, but I did know that it was "car far".  So I set out and made a mental commitment to do 20kms in each direction or to go as far as the Beaconsfield sign, whichever is further.  As luck would have it at 2okms I was at Tracy's street, and the coincidence was not lost on me.  I rode around the crescent and turned around to head home.  Another time that fate smiled upon me.  I really enjoy riding alone, it gives me the time to clear my mind and enjoy the beauty of our city.  

Note to self: Don't try to clip into your bike as you are heading downhill into oncoming traffic, I fell again.

The next morning were the throngs of people for the Tour de L'isle. This was to be my first 50+ ride.  "That's not casual".  So I entered the fray, and set off on my personal goal to finish the ride in a respectable time.  The Tour is actually a celebration of riding and once I was able to separate myself from the masses, I enjoyed the freedom of riding through the streets completely oblivious to stop lights and signs.  Free to ride, free to challenge myself, free to embrace my optimism.  2.5 hours later mission accomplished, and I am happy to report relatively unscathed.  Sore, you better believe it, but still convinced that on September 11th I will nail the 100kms with the gang.  For the record I rode a total 62.1 kms.

I am happy to report that I have reached 1/3 of my fundraising goals thanks to your generous donations.  I guess I could see the cup as 2/3 empty but that is not in my personality.   

A little bit stubborn, okay more than a little bit controlling, but really fundamentally I remain the eternal optimist.  If I wasn't I never would have put on the lycra in the first place.

So stay tuned as I try to break my next goal of 70 kms.  Please support Cedars and my ride by  sponsoring us at www.tourdelance.ca and feel free to tell friends about the blog.  I have received some wonderful emails from cancer patients who feel empowered by the journey.  Thank you for your kind comments.

Lost Sleep

I had the infamous "Callback" this week.  Many friends with breast cancer have been down this path but for me it was the first: " Hi, this is Dr. Smith's office, we received the results of your ( fill in the blank) chest xray and he would like to see you, Please call back to setup an appointment."

My call came on the answering machine, leaving me a whole night to ruminate over the last 5 years.  Chest xray I said...shit, I haven't had an xray since March when we got back from China and the verbal analysis was good.  I actually went in for the xray because during our trip I got sick and was coughing incessantly.  Took the antibiotics but the cough lasted, and that was followed by some serious pain on the left side.

My mind went into overdrive wondering what it could be, and knowing that freaking out was not going to help.  When I called in the morning all they would tell me is that the Dr. would like to see you, but not to panic.  TOO LATE!  I have learned long ago that it is not whether or not you are going to panic, you will, it is how you are going to manage the panic.

For me it has been about doors.  I create a mental image of a long line of doors and I tell myself that I can only go through 1 door at a time.  When my mind flies to the last, most horrific prospect, I really do try to bring it back to door one.  Don't get me wrong you spend a lot of time thinking, but dealing with one door at a time is the way that has worked for me.

I thought about my friends who have had breast exams only to be subjected to the Callback.  I know the angst they felt and I know that usually it was not great news.  Frankly the mental challenge has been hard enough over the years during that interminable period between testing and results, but we have managed, not always unscathed but we have managed.

And so I waited, sitting mentally in front of the door waiting for it to open and for me to deal with whatever is on the other side, its like a twisted reality game show.

The Door opened and after 2 months of waiting and 1 weak of angst they confirmed that I had "broken a rib".  What????  Who the hell cares???? That was 2 months ago!  Are you kidding me?  Well folks, I tapdanced through that door.  After an emotional release (good cry) in the car from the week long anxiety I then shut this door firmly behind me.

I mentally locked all the remaining doors until August.  I am going to Lini's wedding and nothing is going to stop me. I realize that my emotions from this whole week were about the possibility of me not being able to attend, and for me that would be a trainwreck.

So today I ride, the goal is 40 kms and tomorrow will be the Tour De L'isle (55kms).  

I am riding to feel free, to feel alive, and to look at those line of doors behind me and not in front of me for a change!  And to Lenore, get ready we are really going to party!!!!

Feel free to pass my blog along to anyone you know who may enjoy my journey.  Remember you can ask your friends to donate to my ride at www.tourdelance.ca , pick riders, and then pick my name.  Thanks.

Trying to find Balance!

Why is everyone so serious all the time.  I think when we are born we should be given a limited amount of minutes expendable for any one single emotion, and when we are done...time to change our emotional range.  We all know people who are miserable all the time, don't you think after about 30 years they would have used up their miserable moments?  Same thing goes for serious! Cyclists take biking as a very serious matter.  You would think that after everything I bought, I would be done...wrong again.  It appears I haven't scratched the surface.  Now I have a bike rack, and am putting together the repair kit (I am looking for the Jewish repair kit, the one with a phone number where you call someone else to fix it, the CAA for cyclists), and the nutritional supplements and boosters you need for long rides.  Yes folks we are doing another home renovation as it seems I need a new pantry now that I am a CYCLIST.   

I have determined that I am not a big fan of city cycling, way too many moving objects hurtling towards me.  So with some advise from Peter I scoured the Beaconsfield Cycling Club site to search for circuits and tours that sound interesting.  I encourage you to look at this site if you plan to cycle for 2 reasons, I think the concept is good, but really, it's because I can't figure out these maps!!! 

 I have a friend who lives on Ile Bizard so I thought what a great idea.  I opened the map and was completely confused. Arrows in every direction, numbers in appearingly random orders....don't they know I'm almost 50!  I need clarity or a GPS at least.  

With a great sigh I realized why SERIOUS cyclists ride in a peloton.  I see them every morning at the corner of Sherbrooke and Westminster.  It's because only 1 person actually knows what   the route is...the rest are just following.  They are probably the older gang and as map challenged as I am.  That also explains why they look so serious, they are scared to death to be left behind in the peloton, because they won't know where the hell they are! I now also understand why in the Tour they follow a car....he's got the map!

So lighten up folks, its only cycling and supposed to be fun.  As for me you will find me cycling around in Hudson....it's the only map I could actually figure out!

In the near future...my rant about cycling attire!

Check out www.clubcycliste.com, if you have insight or want to drive my personal lead car...feel free to let me know.

Gaining Momentum

So this week has been terrible training weather, and I even took Friday off to train.  Although I am committed, getting myself motivated to ride around in the rain is just not happening regardless of what some of you hardcore people believe. I'm sticking with Laura...you are a tough crowd.  The rainy Friday meant we could do some behind the scenes stuff.  Karen Dubrofsky, the powerhouse behind the bestseller "Montreal Cooks" and the soon to be released "Recipes from Canada's Greatest Chefs" arranged for me to get my hands on the remaining copies of Montreal Cooks and to offer them to people as a fundraiser for my ride. Yes folks I have 3800 copies of this fine collection of recipes that I am selling with the proceeds going to my ride.  We met with Jeff Shamie and we are arranging to have a booth at the Just for Laughs Festival where we will be selling the books (let me know if you want some copies, they make great Channukah/Christmas gifts especially for companies).  Karen can't wait to see Whoopi hold up the book at her Gala.  We need to give credit where it belongs, Karen with this little idea has raised over $700,000 for the Hospital Foundation completely as a volunteer.  Her relentlessness and energy are absolutely infectious (excuse the pun).  We spend so much time coming up with ideas that sometimes I think if I could throw Simon into the mix, the roof would blow off the building. We were thrilled to hear that after 1 month I am over 1/4 of my goal towards the ride.

I was grateful for the opportunity to introduce Sivan, my niece who is doing her Masters/Doctorate in Health Psychology, to the fine work that Cedars does.

So this rainy day ,that was meant to be good for the body, was quickly turning into a day that was good for the soul.

While having lunch with Sivan, I received an email that brought me to tears, yes true, in the middle of Lafleurs.  A very generous donation to our Scholarship Fund at Share the Warmth was made out of the blue.  In fact I had to re-read the email to be sure that what I saw was true.

What I learned on a rainy, drab May 29th,  proves science wrong.  You see there are many ways to gain momentum and you don't always have to be pedaling or going downhill, sometimes you can gain momentum being perfectly still and surrounded by love !   

Thanks for the compliment but....

I really do appreciate the time many have taken to donate and send emails to me regarding the ride, but lets be clear....I'm no hero!  Crazy maybe, but definitely not heroic.  I always have said that when I was told I had cancer, I just kept saying, "put one foot in front of the other..and just keep going".   That is no different than a single mother who has spent years caring for a daughter with Crohns or a dynamic senior citizen who stood by her son dying of AIDS and carried on a foundation in his memory - you just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other.

What propels me is the concept of "What if ?"  Not in a guilt ridden way,  but what if you had the opportunity to do something to make the world a little bit better...wouldn't you do it?  What if by skipping Starbucks a couple of times a week you could help a child without means, have access to all the books and tools they needed to finish high school...wouldn't you do it?  What if that child by finishing school finds the cure for cancer...isn't it worth it?  

Recently I heard Mia Farrow speak and she summed it up by saying that "With knowledge comes responsibility....and now you know".

That's pretty much it...I know what it is to live with cancer.  I know that the problem with a safety net is that just like any other net it has holes.  I know that together we can create a world class cancer center at the MUHC.

And so I pedal, faster and further.  38 kms in my latest training ride.  For those who have been kind enough to inquire, no I haven't developed the callous and frankly I am not sure that Bag Balm sounds any better than Assos of Switzerland!  

By the way...now that you know....what are you going to do about it?

www.tourdelance.ca  or www.sharethewarmth.ca - what if ?????

Wondering About Fate

Is life really just full of  random coincidences?  Can something actually be predetermined?  

I am not religious but fate is truly something that makes me go hmmmmm (80's disco reference).

Was the intensity of my short relationship with Carmen Dubois, and watching her fight with cancer purely chance?  Was my joining Yahkdav purely random?  I can't be sure because in joining Yahkdav, I met Harvey and Marlene.  Harvey ended up bringing me in to The Farha Foundation, and opening my eyes to our human potential.  I met Eirini and changed careers. Because I changed careers I met Johanne and I was right back into charity, MGH and Breast Cancer. Through all those charities I met Simon, Debbie and so many people who have been pillars of my own struggle.  So is it really random?

When I was diagnosed with cancer i was referred to Armen Aprikian.  Not really surprising since he was the head of Urology.  Post surgery I expressed to Armen that I was really concerned about the field of psycho-oncology and patient care at the MUHC.   Two years ago Armen Aprikian was named interim Director of the Cancer Care mission at the MUHC and this week it was formalized, guess what, a major component of the program is psycho-oncology.  As I stood in the room invited by the Cedars Foundation (introduced by Anna B, who I met through Carmen Dubois) I smiled as I reflected on the road that brought me to the ride. Incidentally last year when I met Lance and committed to riding this year it was through the generous invitation of my friends Sandy and Leonard, who I met purely by chance at the gym.  

So you see I don't know what to believe about fate, but I do know that each time you walk through a door your life changes.  If anything is truly predetermined, then I will embrace this episode in my life with cancer as another road I need to travel before another door opens.

Thank you to everyone that has donated to the Ride for your support of Psycho-Social Oncology and Cancer Patient Care.  Please send this blog to anyone you believe may be interested and follow along at www.tourdelance.ca

After all, maybe fate brought you to read this page????

Notes to Self

Today was beautiful and I couldn't resist the temptation of another riding adventure.  This time I was alone so it allowed me ample time to reflect and make some mental notes:

1. Doesn't matter how much you slather, potholes hurt something awful.

2. If you are taking the bike path you better have a plan of how you are getting home.

3. We live on a mountain, so regardless how gentle the hill looks, after 25 kms. it feels like Mount Royal.

4. It is definitive, my left leg is my controlling leg....why do I know this you ask???

5. Although I don't know if a tree makes a sound when it falls in the forest, I do know that if you fall and plant yourself at the corner of Greene & De Maisonneuve (in front of the terrace of Cinq Saisons) standing perfectly still at a red light, people do notice, and incidentally no one gets up to give you a hand.

So thats the review of today...25 kms roundtrip and I only fell once.  I rode from my house across De Maisonneuve to Berri, down to Old Montreal and back across the city only to be faced with the hill at Landsdowne near the end of the ride.   I can honestly say I am happy to be back in the saddle (so to speak) and look forward to making improvements across the summer. Thanks to all of you who have volunteered to join Sam's Training Team, and I look forward to spending time and countless kilometers together in the coming weeks.  

Trainus Interruptus....Almost

As promised today was supposed to be the first training ride.  Well, I woke up it was 7 degrees, grey and windy.  In all honesty each one of these individual elments is in my humble opinion sufficient for a delay, but combined, folks this is the Trifecta of excuses!

I have never been the most athletic of humans (okay Bill you can stop laughing now), but somehow I make up in determination what I lack in interest.  Thanks to my folks I have always thought that I could succeed at just about anything if I tried.  So excuses aside, it's time to try.  After all, I bought the snazzy windbreaker for just a day like today

I decided to do my first practice ride at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve; no potholes, no traffic and no stop signs; don't you wish life was the same?  

I slathered on "Assos of Switzerland" ( I kid you not, I couldn't make that up).  Okay it has a disconcerting Mango smell, but a refreshing coolness that you may want to check out, whether your riding or not.  I won't tell.  I squeezed into my Lycra and quickly passed in front of our full length mirror.  This is not about vanity, this boy is on a mission. With the support of Marlene, Fern and Roxie, my first training run was on.  How did I do?  17.48 km in 49 minutes.  Mission accomplished.  All was good until we got home and I had to climb the 4 stairs to get back into the house.  The same 4 steps that I needed help from Abba and Fern to climb after my first surgery.

The weakness is back in my legs, but this time it is for a good reason.  Tomorrow is another training ride, and before you know it Marlene assures me my speed and endurance will pickup.  Stay tuned...we've just begun.   

The Reality

I picked up the bike and it's safely in the garage.  In order to get the bike you have to go for a fitting.  "They" say that it will make the riding experience more comfortable.  Well here is what "I" say.  Although we've come a long way from my dad picking up my bike at Canadian Tire and putting the old CCM together, at least in terms of price, we have still not mastered the comfort issue.  Hey folks this is the 21st century.  We send men/women to the moon.  Where is the "pillowtop" version of the seat?  A woman must have developed this just to get back at men, I'm convinced.

What is the most amusing is that you find yourself talking to a complete stranger, in public, about regions of your body normally not discussed.  

Hmmm..." okay you'll be fine once you develop a rider's callous".  Two questions; Since when did having a callous become something you look forward too, and can't I just buy one, hell I bought everything else?

Then there was the big question: When you squeeze yourself into the Lycra short with straps (when this is over I can join the WWF) are you supposed to go commando?  Drumroll please, yes, you slather your chamois with expensive cream, squeeze into the lycra, and then " place yourself comfortably on the saddle".  The definitive word here is "place".  Okay what do you do when everything you have "placed" decides to move with the first pedal movement, huh?

I also loved the comment " it takes awhile but eventually it will go numb".  What?  I don' want to go numb there, frankly I like having feeling there.  

So as I am training, if you see me riding by you with a grimace,  you can be sure that I am commando, and the numbness nor the callous have been developed yet.

On a personal note thank you to all of you who generously donated with the first letter.  

Thanks for your friendship, and Debbie M - I am riding for all of us.  I am doing this because I believe that we are entitled to a world class cancer center that heals both the body and the soul. That we can develop a model for psycho-social support that begins with oncology and can then be used for catastrophic illnesses of all kinds.  Join me in supporting The Tour De Lance.

Tell your friends about the blog and encourage them to follow along and  support me at

www.tourdelance.ca , go to riders and select my name.

Stay tuned, Sunday is my first training ride!!!!

Step 1

Here we go.  I made the mental leap and now the financial leap.  On September 11, 2009 I have will ride in the pelaton with Lance Armstrong and raise money for Cedars Cancer and Psycho-Social Oncology.  Lets be honest the 4 surgeries have left me in less than perfect shape, but we have 4 months to work on this body.  Steve at Martin Swiss was kind enough to find a reasonably priced bike and outfit it for me to start the ride.  In his own words ' If you can't do the ride, its not about the bike'.  

So the tools are there it is time to get the physical and mental side in tow.  I need to believe in me again.  I have to trust my body again.  Before I got sick I worked out with a personal trainer 3X a week and frankly I looked pretty good.  In the interim, I have lost confidence in myself and have felt betrayed by my body.  The next 4 months will be about me reconnecting with my body, and making peace with the past. 

 I am relieved to know I have a committed training team behind me, from beginner to advanced.  Thanks Andrea for taking the first step with me and the artsy photos.  Please help me in reaching my goal by going to www.tourdelance.ca and making a donation.  Please send this blog link to everyone you know and lets see if we can make it viral ( in a good way).

By the way the calves are natural I was born with them, I think they may be useful in the next few months.

I am living with cancer. There, it's been said. Not in a hushed tone, not with a sideward glance, straight out. I have had 4 surgeries: kidney, lung, lung, kidney, and I still get up and go to work every day. Last year I had the chance to ask Lance Armstrong if " There is every a day that you don't think about your cancer". He told me that for him it is possible. Well folks, not a day goes by that it is not on my mind. Does it control my life, no. I have always compared it to walking on eggshells or on really thin ice. You tread so carefully, worried that at some moment the crack will widen and you will be swallowed up. For me the greatest challenge has been to overcome the fear of making plans. It scares the hell out of me. I always feel like I am tempting fate. On the other hand, I have resisted letting Cancer control my life. In fact I paid for my last cruise at 4am in the morning on my way to the hospital, worried that if I let that opportunity pass, Cancer will have won.
So here we go again, moving forward. I have agreed to not only be an Ambassador the Lance Armstrong Ride 2009, I am committing myself to riding. This blog will follow the next 4 months of training and struggling to achieve this goal. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I have to be the one in control, not Cancer. I welcome you to follow along and see the journey. Incidentally, I called the blog " Going for the Yellow Jersey" because who ever raises the most money gets the symbolic yellow jersey. If you want to make a donation go to www.tourdelance.ca, if not wish me well, this road is not only long I have a feeling it will be bumpy.